I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
