Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
