how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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