i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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