Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
