someone threw a dead crab at me
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
