How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
