Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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