I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
