end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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