Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
