how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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