my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
