I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Randomize
