Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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