and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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