when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
