you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The uberlube is also flammable
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
