Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
