I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
