just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
