Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
