can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize