He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
