Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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