My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
