Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
