dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
