my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
