I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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