I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to calm my uterus...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
