Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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