Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
