my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
