now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
