If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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