WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize