good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
