I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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