Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
