He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
