why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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