I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
