sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
