Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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