oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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