you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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