i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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