im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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