i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
