One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
