New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
