Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
