mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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