he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
