if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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