Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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