I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
