So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
