david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
